Jun 25, 2007

LOST IS an Educational Show

Believe it or not, LOST is an educational program. At the Michael Emerson Fan Board, a number of fans came up with all the great things that they had learned just by watching LOST. Here they are for your educational information:

  1. What a fuselage is.

  2. What you call those tubes where you put something in and it shoots it up (pneumatic).

  3. What a pylon is.

  4. That Michael Emerson exists (and thereby, do all of you). You know the rest.

  5. A bit about manipulation, from The Man himself (not that I would ever use it).

  6. A bit about the Valenzetti Equation and - I forget the name, the study of using people's eye motions to infer their thoughts (someone really scrutinized the direction of Henry's eyes in the hatch and inferred that he was lying, and even the nature of his thoughts at several points!)

  7. You can resuscitate a near-dead person by banging on their chest really hard.

  8. Polar bears apparently can survive a tropical climate.

  9. That you can watch a TV show frame by frame.

  10. That you should watch LOST frame by frame.

  11. That there is such a thing as a smoke monster that takes photos of your mind.

  12. That certain brands of ranch dressing (especially DHARMA) do not require refrigeration even in the tropics.

  13. Never take people on face value- even if they don’t seem to be very likeable, there is probably more to the story.

  14. That Sky+ activated via your mobile phone is a life saver and without it I would have missed lots of LOST episodes.

  15. That warm beers taste good too.

  16. You turn incredibly evil the minute you become a father.

  17. Bald guys serve a useful purpose of preaching destiny, or being your imaginary friend [Dave].

  18. You can only be a tough running female con artist for two seasons before a whiny doctor and a wise cracking jerk turn you into a blubbering boy crazy mess.

  19. If you use electricity, you're cheating.

  20. Doctors can think of nothing but their evil fathers in flashbacks.

  21. Getting tortured is an excellent pretext for making out.

  22. Never ever solve your biggest life problems–it'll help you live longer on an island.

  23. It takes you a heck of a long time to figure out that magic boxes are metaphors.

  24. Next time, actually get a little suspicious that you're being taken to a mass grave before you get shot.

  25. Eye patches = having lots of extra lives.

  26. 70's songs like "Make Your Own Kind of Music" and "Downtown" can actually still be in style today.

  27. More people are named after philosophers whot are hundreds of years old than you'd think.

  28. You need at least a high school education to get certain things.

  29. You whine and whine about certain characters enough, they will get killed off- with a few exceptions.

  30. You avoid getting killed long enough, eventually you'll get a big sob story that excuses every evil thing you do.

  31. You can create an entire fake crash site for a downed plane that no one on the outside world will ever question.

  32. Every single combination that 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 could possibly have.

  33. You type on a computer long enough, eventually you'll get super seeing into the future powers.

  34. The name and identity of Michael Emerson and his fanclub.

  35. If you are stranded on an island, you will probably choose to live outside in the dirt even though there are places to live indoors with running water and electric lights.

  36. In a crisis situation, it is best NOT to share information with other people in the same situation.

  37. Sonar fences have nonlethal settings.

  38. If you needle people enough they will probably hit you—repeatedly.

  39. Hot air balloons are kept aloft by 550,000 cubic feet of helium and 100,000 feet of hot air.

  40. Ernest Hemingway was jealous of Fyodor Dostoevsky.

  41. The ocean won't take my gold card.

  42. Michael Emerson fans come in many variations, all of which totally rock.

  43. That, even though LOST is watched by millions and millions of people, I have more things in common with people on the Internet than I do with my neighbors.

  44. That there are so many books out there that I must read, but lusting over chest hair is more fun.

  45. Don't ever pick up dolls lying on the forest floor.

  46. Nadia Comaneci was the greatest athlete that ever lived.

  47. Hamsters are an underutilized resource as generators.

  48. Backgammon is the one of the oldest games on earth.

  49. Ethan is great at kidnapping pregnant women but don't ask him to fix your plumbing.

  50. Eucalyptus can stave off an asthma attack.

  51. If you feel like fish for dinner, just flutter your eyelashes at a has-been bassist and wait a few hours.

  52. Imaginary peanut butter is the best bloody peanut butter in the world.

  53. Moths are more interesting than butterflies.

  54. If you see a guy with a beard, it's probably a fake beard.

  55. Don't try to electrocute Ben. He tends to react badly.

  56. Don't let Harold Perrineau anywhere near a gun.

  57. Relatives of has-been bassists who are supposed to be Mancunian speak with an accent which is part-American, part-Aussie, part-Scottish and part-Martian.

  58. If you implement a code-word system, make sure you have one for 'there's a man in my closet holding a gun to my daughter's head'.

  59. Never trust a farmer behind on his mortgage payments.

  60. If you meet a doctor with tattoos and think there might be an interesting story behind them, think again.

  61. Never fall for the old Wookiee prisoner gag.

  62. That only fools are enslaved by time and space, apparently.

  63. That I am by no means the only one who finds unconventional-looking villains damn attractive.

  64. Orange gap T-shirts are really in.

  65. You don’t get discount for buying blue/white striped pjs at Marks and Spencer’s.

  66. Ben doesn't lie (often).

  67. That if you are going to break a balloonist neck and take over his identity, make sure that you look in his wallet. He may have written a note to his wife on a $20.00 bill and thus, blow your cover.

  68. That people get excited about going camping even when they live on a beach and are camping.

  69. Don't listen to Jack, even if he represents Reason.

  70. People you would never think are crazy, are (Hurley), and people you would suspect (Ben) aren't.

  71. Be happy you've never won the lottery.

  72. Don't expect to lose any weight if you're marooned on an island. Oh, and if you speak a different language, expect not to begin picking it up for quite some time.


  74. If someone starts wigging out in front of you, it would be wise to stop being a smart-aleck. They might wring your neck.

  75. Even if you sound like an expert on dynamite, you're likely to get blown up.

  76. Don't worry if you're trapped somewhere and find a big hidden map with weird notations and can't remember it later. It's not important.

  77. Watch out for hidden cables in the sand!

  78. Never trust a hobbit (*sure* he can't swim ).

  79. If you're a guy, you should actually be enthused about crash-landing on a beach with other women. They are going to look spectacular, even after just giving birth.

  80. Listen to the voice in your gut. DO NOT DRINK THE ORANGE JUICE.

  81. Screaming, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" never solved anything.

  82. I AM the type of person who might write a fan letter. Or squeal when a male actor comes on screen. Or spend hours online researching him. And writing fan fiction centered around him.

  83. If you suspect someone, check to see if they have six toes.

  84. If your father starts torturing your boyfriend, it's probably because he doesn't want the two of you to have sex.

  85. That if you never held a gun in your life, you are still a great marksman.

  86. That you can walk practically barefoot for months at a time and nothing will happen to you; but if your girlfriend has a spider in a jar and throws it at you, you will be bitten by a venomous spider for sure.

  87. That even if no combs or brushes are found in the plane wreckage, you will still have fabulous looking hair.

  88. That it is OK to act as a bully and beat up a has-been bassist rock star. No one will stop you. In fact, everyone will hate the victim.

  89. You can kill a polar bear in a cave in the tropics with a can of hair spray.

  90. You can write a long note on a post-it note and attach it to a bird's foot, and you can be sure that the bird will take it to another part of the world without wetting or loosing the note.

  91. Don't let Locke lure you into a slave ship or precariously balanced plane. Only bad things will come of it.

  92. That, much as I like to pretend otherwise in the real world, I am not above writing fanfic.

  93. It is possible to become a universally adored heroine by simply repeating the following sentences ad infinitum: 'Where's Jack?', 'We have to tell Jack' and 'I'm coming with you, Jack'.

  94. If someone stares at a burning wheelchair, it's probably because he remembers being in it.

  95. The bodies of dead doctors are really rude in not letting you see its dead body for 3 seasons.

  96. Never ever speak out loud that someone is infiltrating your camp, or else he'll kidnap pregnant women and then you'll never make friends with people that actually live in real homes.

  97. Being born early gives you the power to overthrow an entire scientific organization in one day.

  98. When you shoot someone with an arrow, it might be nice to actually check him for grenades at some point.

  99. Listen to Sayid. Unless you INTEND to be harpooned by a giant arrow, of course.

  100. Hatches have thin doors.

  101. When torturing someone, take especial note if he ever tries to inject humor in the discussion. Dead giveaway right there.

  102. When torturing someone, ask yourself: "Do I feel guilty about doing this?" If not, the person is lying.

  103. A prime time for hooking up is when you have the chance to escape from your captors, and are in inside a giant bear cage with cameras trained on you.

  104. Being a dentist is a shameful thing.

  105. Count your lucky stars if you (a) are good with electronics or (b) are a fantastic musician, or at least know all the notes to "Good Vibrations."

  106. And, of course, if you're an actor on a high-profile show, NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE.

  107. VW busses have no problem holding gasoline in their tanks even when left under a hot tropical sun for over 11 years.

  108. There is no need to take your jeans off when going swimming or when trying to save someone who is drowning.

  109. Apollo bars don't melt in the hot sun.

  110. Apollo bars are good sources of nutrition that should be handed to children to eat at will.

  111. Never try to kill a man who wears an eye patch. It doesn't work.

  112. Lost has taught me to appreciate the art of reading again.

  113. Lots of people have something from their past they want to hide.

  114. I am always attracted to the mysterious villain type guys (although we know Ben will turn out to be the good guy).

  115. It is possible to become addicted to a TV show (first one for me).

  116. That obsessions with men on TV are better than real life boyfriends, as they never let u down.

  117. That diamonds are not really a girl’s best friend (look at Nikki).

  118. Whatever antiaging pill Richard has, I WANT SOME!!!

  119. Apparently people can be gullible enough to think the first ship they contact will rescue them- in fact, be gullible twice over [end of Seasons 1 and 3].

  120. The only way to really fit new people in a show is to do it completely by accident, even after you wanted to put them in just 3 episodes.

  121. When the only female character to have something approaching chemistry with your leading man is an Other, that probably means something's wrong.

  122. Apparently after making a failed SOS sign, you can take a break for a whole year to become a crack sniper.

  123. No one bothers to be bothered by the sky turning purple after a few seconds.

  124. Get rid of vans with your father's body, or else they use it to kill some of your friends many years later.

  125. If you meet people played by the likes of Robert Patrick and Clancy Brown, maybe you shouldn't be that shocked when you find out they were lying to you.

  126. After you see someone commit murder, maybe it's not the best idea to come in screaming his name so you can be a sitting duck. Right Libby?

  127. If you are elected leader of a group, cry a lot and when someone makes a suggestion, say some variation of “we’re done.” People love that.

  128. It is possible to miss when shooting someone at point blank range.

  129. Insurance companies don’t like people who can’t actually walk on walkabouts.

  130. If somebody steals your kidney, you don't have to feel bad about saying "no" the next time they ask for a favor.

  131. If the door to your cell is suddenly unlocked so you can get out and see surveillance monitors, it is probably a set-up.

  132. It takes exactly one hour to bleed out if your kidney sack is cut open. Anything less than an hour and you'll be just fine.

  133. Don't worry if you wake up in the middle of surgery. It won't hurt.

  134. If you're the leader of the others, you get to take your furniture when you go camping.

  135. When Ben is carrying a shoulder bag, it is never good news.

  136. Ben wouldn't read Carrie in the bathroom.

  137. If an enemy's computer asks if you want to play chess, you should probably say no.

  138. If you're not on the list, you wouldn't understand, so don't bother asking.

  139. If you want to go on a hike, and the other guy says no, punch a Russian in the face.

  140. Before a trip, if somebody gives you a gun and says you're going to need it, make sure you keep track of it.

  141. If you are stranded on an island, it might be a good idea to look around a little bit.

  142. In interpersonal communication, it is perfectly OK to answer someone's important question with silence and a blank stare. This always gets the message across. If, for some reason, they're feeling a bit feisty, say something like, "It's... complicated," or make fun of them for asking you in the first place.

  143. It is possible for a girl who is supposedly smart (evading police for years) to, in the heat of the moment, sleep with a man who admitted to carrying STDS in her presence.

  144. If you're going to take on the smart people, make sure you've read Steinbeck.

  145. Glasses always up the sexiness. Being in the Lord of the Rings also helps. As does walking with a cane, looking good in a tight, wet black T-shirt, and wearing eyeliner.

  146. If you ever have pain in your lower back, assume the worst. And then BE THE NICEST YOU CAN POSSIBLY BE to the first spinal surgeon you meet.

  147. If a psychologist tells you that something will be freeing for you, whatever it is, do it. Even if it means ruining an entire stash of food other stranded people might like to eat.

  148. Steam opens up your pores. (Supposedly.)

  149. "Secret" scenes are about the lamest things in the world. (Unless they involve Michael Emerson in any form.) And NEVER believe TV producers when they promise "mind-blowing" answers, or even answers at all.

  150. Or better yet, Dostoevsky's "Brother Karamazov." The bonus here is that it might take you long enough to read it, that someone else will have take on the smart people.

  151. If you think one gun and one bullet is going to stop them … think again.

  152. If you need surgery, don't ask the doctor to do it for you. Plan a way to meet him or her in the middle of nowhere (make sure s/he brings some friends along), incapacitate the doctor with a tazer gun, put a potato sack on his or her head, lock the doctor up in an aquarium tank made for sharks and dolphins, torture the hell out of the doctor, and only when the doctor finally wants to do the surgery, you go ahead and accept. (This procedure makes HMOs look really good.)

  153. When you are given orange juice laced with tranquilizers, don't hesitate; just drink it all down without any questions.

  154. Never express that your former spouse would be better off to be run over by a bus to a man wearing eyeliner. Your wish may come true.

  155. Listening to Korean ghost stories in Korean is very funny.

  156. Torches can be lit and shut at will in the jungle, all you have to do is yell "Light'em up."

  157. If you find a plane in the middle of a jungle, it's best not to tell anyone.

  158. Diamonds totally mean everything when you're stranded on an island.

  159. You can tell who the bad guys are by their outward appearances.

  160. People named Karl are natural cowards and let their girlfriend do everything for them.
  161. Don't give anyone your kidney without asking questions first.

  162. That guy who's a complete jerk to everyone is actually a tortured soul. You just need to waste your time and energy on him first.

  163. If someone gives up, is on the ground, unarmed, the thing to do is shoot them because they followed the orders of a very dangerous person a month ago.

  164. If you thought someone was an evil ass before, just wait till you see him when he thinks he's in Hell.

  165. Shows are contractually obligated to have at least one girl-on-girl catfight in the rain.

  166. Russians have magical powers to find out anything and everything about your life, no matter how secret.

  167. If you want to save a pregnant woman's life, you drug and kidnap them.

  168. When you hear voices saying that the Others "are coming for the boy" you don't bother to ask them to be more specific and save a lot of trouble.

  169. If you're sleeping with a girl your boss likes, maybe you should be more suspicious when he sends you to infiltrate a group of plane tail section survivors.

  170. On an island where you die if you get pregnant there, shockingly no one's heard of birth control or condoms.

  171. If you're in the Tom Cruise family and you work for J.J Abrams, your character is obligated to be called Ethan.

  172. Hidden, secret tropical islands do not have wild rabbits. They only have one type of rabbits: White, which are usually rare in the wild.

  173. Blood is easily obtainable by just jabbing someone in the arm. You don't have to find a vein.

  174. It's OK to beat up somebody for the heck of it, but once the girl who is watching you beat up the person admits to loving the victim, you must stop the beating.

  175. Small propeller planes can fly from Africa to the middle of the Pacific Ocean without refueling.

  176. Tattoos are important symbol of your leadership.

  177. Tree-frogs can be REALLY annoying.

  178. Juliet is willing to kill a whole cow just to make a cheeseburger.

  179. Ben will always have the last laugh even when he's tied to a tree.

  180. Just because you may be shot and you're in an actual grave, it doesn't mean you're dead.

  181. Spinal surgeons have trouble letting things go.

  182. You can always expect Locke to save the day.

  183. Russians are very hard to kill.

  184. Ethan is a lot more active and busy after his death.

  185. If you try to poison your husband to stop him from going on a raft, you'll still manage a tearful reconciliation the next day.

  186. Be careful who you shoot through the chest with an arrow- he just might be your daughter's fake daddy.

  187. Men of faith can sometimes be a lot more popular than men of science.

  188. All you have to do is tell the girl you like that they're on a different island, and she'll let you get in her pants.

  189. Getting pounded in the chest for 5 whole minutes brings you back to life.

  190. Professional writers can make one word be half the lines a character says all season- and that word, of course, "Walt."

  191. That you can be stranded for months on an island and still have white teeth, perfect hair, and shaved legs/ faces.

  192. That even though there are 40+ people, you only ever see about 5 at a time, and you just forget that there are even 40+ people even there.

  193. That any theory is possible.

  194. That you can live off of fish and seafood for a month and not get diarrhea.

  195. That you can tramp around in a tropical jungle and still wear pants an NEVER complain about how hot it is.

  196. That you can drink stagnant water and not get sick.

  197. Pacemakers can make your heart blow up.

  198. Some anesthesias are administered to the sternum with a really long needle.

  199. People who have been in mental hospitals are really good at ping-pong.

  200. Leslie is a bitchin' name.

  201. If you want people to think you have a really good plan, make them all hike into the jungle and then blow up a tree.

  202. If you are stranded on an island with a mysterious group of menacing people, and you find a whole bookshelf filled with binders containing their procedures, only take the one with the map. You can probably go back and look at the other ones later.

  203. It doesn't matter how dweeby you were at your old job, killing a boar with a knife is instant cool.

  204. Phone sex operators won't go on vacation with you, even if you already bought them a ticket, and if you ask, they will just charge you another $89.

  205. Being seated in the tail section of an airplane sucks worse than you think.

  206. That even though you are stranded on a secluded island somewhere in the Pacific, you can still find a little pocket of civilization (book clubs!) If you look hard enough.

  207. That Gap apparently has branches everywhere, even on secluded islands.

  208. That great men wear stripes and messenger bags.

  209. Watch your back—you never know when Locke will sneak up and throw a knife at you.

  210. "On assignment in Canada" is code for "obeying Ben's orders and making sure the orange light keeps blinking in an underground station that everyone else thinks is flooded."

  211. Don’t accept a wooden doll from the girl u love- something bad is more than likely to happen to her (just speculating).

  212. Workman uniforms are really hot- but they do make u turn a bit psychotic when it comes to having a beer with your dad.

  213. Teenage daughters are actually as rebellious as my parents told me I was.

  214. Labradors are the new Anubis.

  215. Locke's codeword for doing anything and everything, no matter how destructive, is "special."

  216. Nothing can take your mind off the woman you've searched for for years than a spoiled blond white girl.

  217. If you vow to stay silent for 40 days after killing someone, you'll usually want your shirt off.

  218. Writers can actually forget about something as big as a four-toed foot.

  219. Dynamite can blow up a hatch door that you can't open for weeks, but when it comes to blowing up doors inside a hatch, it doesn't do jack.

  220. "Our Mutual Friend" is a perfect "read-before-death" book.

  221. People only start to distrust an unelected leader when they go canoodling with someone from the enemy.

  222. Whenever you ask Kate to do anything, you should stop being so surprising when she does the complete and utter opposite seconds later.

  223. That there was such thing as a pacemaker and what it could do—seriously.... I still don't entirely know........

  224. That if you see dead people... they are most likely NOT a figment of your imagination.

  225. If you're out hiking in the woods wearing an orange Gap shirt and khakis, beware of wild French women with crossbows and Iraqi torturers.

  226. You spend the first few hours after losing your son arguing with the other guy on what's left of your raft.

  227. Some people get offended when you never make soup for them.

  228. Perhaps there really is fate involved in seeing a guy who said the Red Sox would never win the Series die a month before they actually did win.

  229. The Others are sports fans [Tom and his football, tape recording the Sox win].

  230. Bald guys strolling out of the jungle can make all your dreams come true.

  231. All it takes is seeing a pregnant Korean woman to make you betray Ben.

  232. Locke can kill all the Others he wants, but doesn't quite have the stomach to kill when it counts [i.e., Jack before he answered that phone].

  233. You can only detect powerful anomalies from an invisible island in the Antarctic.

  234. Pay attention to dogs when they pull sheets off of 'dead' people.

  235. If you have a tumor on your back you can still go on long hikes, be tortured, and beat people up.

  236. It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

  237. Even when you die/are dead you still look AMAZING.

  238. When you die, no matter by the means, your face isn't mutilated and is still gorgeous.

  239. No matter WHERE you are in the world, there is at least ONE person you know who will connect you to like 5 other people around the world.

  240. Incest is alright.

  241. If you're a main character who's remotely considered "hot" by some people, but not over 40, your job is safe.

  242. The hatch has a killer soundtrack.

  243. If you shoot someone, you may just be hoping for him to shoot someone else a few days later- to no avail.

  244. If you think you're gonna die, it doesn't bother you so much to get beaten up by gun touting women.

  245. Before Juliet, spies from the Others had really rotten luck
You can find more entries here: http://michaelemerson.net

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